Monday, 1 July 2013

weight loss vs finding life

Hi my name's Danielle

Some of you will think you know me, some of you have watched from the sidelines. I need you all to know that none of you know me, this is my doing, I don't know me. I want this to change so it is time to be open to live my life with vulnerability, to have courage. Today I heard this definition of courage and I loved it.
the definition of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

I will stop running, I will live in the now, I will stop forcing perfection, I will live whole heatedly and I will always be enough.

So in this post I want to introduce you all to who I am, without my superhero capes. My superhero capes have been protection, food addiction and fat. If you want to know more about superhero capes go here. So this is me.

I am scared and worried about what others think of me and I am regularly anxious about what my day will hold and how I can hide.

I feel my feelings with an intensity that makes me catch my breath and need to clutch the wall, at times I will feel they will overcome me . I am amazed by other people and I am curios about what makes them tick. I am excited and feel invigorated watching and supporting someone to become their best selves. I love watching people smile and laugh. There is no greater honor that to have someone offer their hand an allow you to support them.,

My family are in the centre of my world and to me their smiles are like magic. They light my life from the inside out.

I want to stand out, I want to be noticed.

I value kindness, acceptance, communication and passion. I crave excitement, connection, truth, acceptance and passion. I am walking away from safety (that is provided externally and believing in safety in myself) I am walking away from judgement of self, hiding and mediocre surface living.

I am opening myself to tears, to fears, to laughter, to new experiences, to feeling everything, to myself, to you, to my dreams. There is no right or wrong as I am always enough. I will no longer wear my capes of food addiction, I will no longer dull or numb that big scary emotion that threaten to engulf me with food.

I will strive everyday to be me and live whole heatedly in my life. I will stretch  my handout and ask for help when I need it most. I will be grateful for everything life brings to me and everything I experience. Most of all I will know with every inch of myself that I am enough. I am enough in everything I do.

I no longer need to lose weight I need to find my life !!!!!!

My life will be healthy, filled with people who love me and will hold my hand when I need and even when I don't realize I need it. There will be boot camps, rock climbing, burlesque classes, pole dancing, roller derby, life coaching workshops, laughter, tears, camping, movies, meals, hangovers, friends, family and photos.

This amazing post by this beautiful lady started this post: the power of vulnerability

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

day 2 of pulling on the big girl pants

So its day 2 and what have I achieved
  • I did not have any coke zero yesterday
  • I am playing with the amount of sugar in my tea
  • I ate proper meals yesterday, that may sound strange but I had stopped eating meals, I would have breakfast and then I would just binge on crap for the rest of the day if Simon was home I would have tea as he would cook it otherwise I more often than not wouldn't eat tea either.
I had a headache yesterday afternoon and this morning at boot camp I felt like vomiting for about 20 mins, at one stage I actually stopped and moved away and was even a little dizzy. 

I was talking to an amazing friend at boot camp about our whys and goals and I know I often struggle with these things. I struggle to make goals as I don't know what to aim for as I do not want to fail, never crossed by mind that because I don't aim for anything I am always failing as I am never achieving lol.

For the first time ever and not just since I started this journey I mean ever I have actually achieved a goal, I ran 2.5 kms without stopping. It was such a strange feeling to achieve something I set out to achieve. I didn't need to tell anyone, I didn't need them to congratulate me or make me feel better about something I had done. There were people I wanted to share the achievement with and I was proud of me, really proud, but also empowered I felt like I could actually achieve something. I want to say a huge thank you to Matt Silk, he is an amazing trainer who always believes in me and encourages me, without him I would never have joined running group. He makes me feel welcome and I never feel like I am the slowest or holding anyone up and he always manages to motivate and encourage me without making me feel like I am the fat chick who need to be encouraged. I feel like he is invested and values my achievements for what they are my achievements. I can not thank him enough for his support.

Forgot to come back to the why
  •  health
  • decrease my risk of so many chronic illnesses
  • I have been increasingly worried about the risk of cancer due to all the chemicals I am putting into my body from processed food.
  • I need to be able to keep up with Jhett for safety reasons
  • I want to be a good role model for my kids
  • I want to be able to buy the style of clothes that I want
  • I want control of my life
  • to be able to play with my kids and do things like bushing walking, playing at the beach
  • I want to be able to look at myself and be proud of everything
  • I want the outside of me to reflect the inside\

I haven't weighed myself and I am worried to as I can get caught up in that number. I will do it tomorrow, I do have some number goals and there are things I want to be able to do that I can't do without being under a certain number. I am also going to do pictures and measurements tonight, these are the things that help to give me a better idea of what my body is doing and where it is changing.

Goals for today
  • No coke Zero
  • 3 meals
  • increase water
  • plan meals for tomorrow

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

round and round we go

The last 6 months have been really really difficult for me and I am still standing in that spot where my weight is the highest it has ever been. I have spent much of this 6 months, putting band aids on or trying to ignore, unfortunately the 1st thing that caves when I do that is my food.

I have been drawn back into my sugar addiction and it is dominating my life again, much of the food I consume each day is processed and sweet, and I am drink coke zero again. I look for convince and pleasure. My moods are so intrinsically tied to the amount of sugar I have had, and the thought of trying to stop this scares me so much, and I get rather anxious about it. I have such tunnel vision about sugar, and i don't know what to eat if it is not sugar related and in my head it seems like everything is going to take so much longer to prepare, being lazy is one of the things that puts a huge dent in how well I manage this lifestyle change.

Now I have already received some flack about cutting out sugar, this is a decision I made after lots and lots of reading and research and looking at what worked for me. I have been reading a book called I quit sugar, and although this book advocates quitting all sugar for an 8 week period you do reintroduce healthier sugars at the end. This is to give your body a chance to rid itself of all the sugars and toxins, to allow it to reset itself and to break the addiction.

The reasons I have decided to go down this path.
  • I am so addicted it controls my life, I need to break that so I can move forward
  • I have insulin resistance, so the way my body reacts to sugars means I put weight on quickly
  • I like the lifestyle change in the book and believe it is something I can settle in my life with some level of ease.
  • I have 2 kids whos behavior is effected by sugar, 1 of which is in a very dramatic manger, and finding a way to eliminate that will make life easier for all of us.
  • Something needs to break my relationship with food and why not eliminate sugars, particularly those that are processed given they are a huge trigger food for me.
My head gets stuck in this place where I doubt that I will ever be able to lose weight, my fitness is improving and I ran for 2.5 km for the first time ever which is huge. I have to focus on the fact I am moving forward and improving and that weight is only one part of that.

I have come to realize that for me to be able to devote the mental energy I need to try and change my lifestyle I need to feel safety, and that for a while I haven't been feeling this. I have struggled with this for a long time, feeling like I have someone to catch me if I fall, and while I work on this it is still something that stops me from committing or putting myself in a position where I feel I might fail. I have come to realize that unless I ask for the things I need to happen to create that safety it wont happen. I have also started working more on this stuff with my own life coach. I started a process to deal with my issues, but I never finished it, time to finish what I started.

So today I have started the process, so the step today is no coke zero, water and cutting the sugar in coffee and tea by half.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

I dont think I can do this

Well I haven't had batteries in my scales for a week or so, and today I jumped on, I am over 157kgs, the biggest I have ever been. I have put on over 25 kgs in under 12 months, rather mean feat for someone who is trying to lose weight.

I am so bloody confused and starting to wonder what is wrong with me, or is it time to actually say I can't do this weight loss just doesn't work for me, and I need help, my BMI is 45.9, I am almost double my healthy weight range. What am I doing wrong, seriously, I mean I know that I haven't been fantastic with food, but honestly at least half of the last 12 months I have been actively trying to lose weight.

I am doubting and second guessing everything and I have no idea what to do next as seriously nothing is working. I think I am done, I hate working so hard and going further than backwards, I am the heaviest I have ever been and I have never worked so hard to try and loose weight. I hate exercise, I hate food, I hate clothes. How do you fail so dramatically at something you want so much

Saturday, 9 February 2013

100 things I am grateful to my body for

1. That its my body, each and every day it teaches me something
2. My hair it is very thick
3. my eyes, I love their shape and the fact they let me see amazing things and the people I love
4. My ears, so I can hear the sounds I love, and so I can punch holes in them.
5. My nose, it is the same shape as my Grandfathers, and I love that it is something that reminds me of my family.
6. My arms, they allow me to hold those dear to me, to protect to shield and also to do things like drive and write.
7. My hands, to be able to feel, and touch.
8. My fingers, so I can count, as my brain cant do it lol.
9. My nails, I love them when they are long and pained, makes me feel feminine.
10. My mouth, it allows me to kiss those people I love.
11. My tongue, it helps me to talk, and taste
12. My heart, it beats every day keeping me alive, and it fills to bursting point every time one of my kids smile say I love you mum, cuddle up to me.
13. My insides, they still work lol, after all the crap I have pumped in there its still slugging away, admittedly slowly but its still happening.
14. My womb, for growing 4 amazing human beings.
15. My legs for allowing me to walk, to travel
16. My ankles, my one body part I think of as thin.
17. My feet, for keeping me from sending myself broke with my shoe obsession lol.
18. My skin, for keeping it all together
19. My muscles for making it possible for me to exercise
20. My freckles, for making me less pale.
21. My knees for giving me some shape to my legs
22. My wrists, for a space to tattoo my loved ones name
23. My lips, so I can smile
24. My teeth for making sure many dentists are kept in a job
25. My butt for giving me a nice soft place to sit.
26. My brain for allowing me to think
27. My personality (its housed it my body so I am counting it lol) for being me.
28. My brain for the ability to learn new things every day
29. My nerves for relaying all this information my body receives back to my brain
30. My brain for processing information
31. My palms for allowing me to grip, and hold my fingers in place
32. My toes for being able to feel the sand between them
33. My fists so I can punch in a thump class
34. My kidneys for processing the toxins in my body
35. My vocal cords, for my voice
36. My nostrils, for allowing me to smell
37. My tear ducts so I can cry
38. My memory for every thing I hold dear
39. My soul for my values and respect
40. my neck for keeping my head in place
41. my head for holding my face in place
42.My ribs, for holding my heart
43. My finger prints, for being unique
44. My DNA for making me me, the combination of my parents
45. my elbows, for allowing my arms to bend
46. My spine, for keeping my upright
47. My gall bladder for reminding me that I should treat me body well
48. My body for for being a light colour, saves me on waxing
49. My Boobs, for being big enough that clothing hangs of them not my muffin top
50. My hips for being big enough to accommodate my babies
51. My eye brows for being a ncie shape, no waxing available
52. my eye lashes for being long enough that they are there
53. My Skeleton for giving my body structure
54. My lungs for breathing
55. My lungs for breathing
56. my veins for allowing my blood to flow through me
57. My knuckles for allowing my fingers to bend so I can play the piano
58. my eye lids for giving me darkness
59. the soles of my feet for connecting me to the ground
60. My ego for protecting me
61. My throat for swallowing food
62. My shoulders for carrying the weight
63. The primal part of my brain that makes me breath without me having to think about it.
64. My brain for giving me common sense
65. my brain for processing the information the world gives me
66. My heart for bumping my blood around my body
67. My eyes for giving the world focus
68. My limbs for still working no matter how much I have neglected them
69. My toe nails for being so thick it reminds me why I need to loose wight every time I have to cut them
70. My chin, for giving my face structure
71. My snot for keeping little things out of my airways
72. my saliva for helping me to process food
73. My spin for teaching me to listen to my body
74. My hair for not falling out even though I colour it to within an inch of its life
75. My cheeks for helping me to blow raspberries on my kids bellies
76. my birth mark for being mine
77. My optic nerve for carrying information
78. My taste buds for trying to change
79. My toes for keeping me balanced
80. My thumbs for making me different to a monkey
81. My brains ability to keep coming back for me
82. My brains ability to learn
83. My brains ability to read
84. My thighs to be able to sit on seats
85. My neck so I can wear lovely scarfs
86. My bladder for holding urine, so I don't wet myself
87. My nose for smelling things
88. my fingers for holding rings that all have special meaning for me
89. my laugh, it reminds me of what its like to enjoy life
90. my boobs, for the comfy place they provide my children to lay their heads.
91. My head, it gives me a space to put my princess crown
92. My height for allowing me to see over the top of crowds
93. My cheeks for being there, I would look stupid without them
94. My body for being mine
95. My legs for moving even when I think they can't
96. My brain for its dedication to making things more than they are
97. My spinal cord for protecting my nerves
98. My body for allowing me to meet some amazing people who have changed my life.
99. My eye lids for a place to put eye shadow, it looks very pretty, going to try some bright and sparkly colours soon
100. My body for holding my soul, the essence of who I am.

Wow that was hard, and technically some of those things may not be my body, but I am using it lol.
Amazing how much doing this makes you realize all the amazing things this body of yours does.

Monday, 17 December 2012

on the start to the way up

OK so lets get something happening. I will post daily from now on. So I have some guidelines that I am going to work on, these are not always food related, but are about getting my life on track.

Mon, Wed and Friday
-Non spending days

1 hr physical activity with the kids
food planned the day before
2 ltrs water
10 mins of meditation every day.

An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.

things that have worked
6 meals
no fat
organized in advance

haven't worked
calorie counting
same things all the time

what am I willing to do
be organized 24 hrs in advance
daily exercise of some sort
cappuccino, only when with another person
treat once per week

Ok so tomorrow
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon

breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast
snack strawberries
lunch salad with tune
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato
tea hamburgers with salad
snack berries with yoghurt

I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing

I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.

Now because I need to change my focus.

I am grateful for
  • my family
  • amazing friends
  • my strength to try again.
What I like/ or am proud of, about me
  • My desire to strive for better
  • My eyes

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Well it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.

There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.

Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting
  • I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious
  •  It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over
  • I never really know what level I should sit on
  • To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me
Paleo/Clean eating
  • Coming up with ideas
  • portion size

In general
  • what to eat and when to eat
  • portion size
  • variety

I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.

feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.

One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them

I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.